Chronic Pain and The Future

It’s no secret that I’ve never exactly been a fan of children. It’s hard to tell if this is because kids are actually annoying monsters, or if it’s because I’ve always known that having children would be difficult for me and I’m harboring some serious anger and resentment. (It’s both.)

As I get older, and people around me start reproducing more and more, I’m starting to wonder if there’s something more to it. As someone who is sick, I don’t like to think about the future. It’s almost as if I can’t. I feel like I have to focus so much energy on just making it through another pain flare, another doctor’s appointment, another period, another new medicine… that there’s no time left to ponder a future beyond that. And in the off chance that I do try to ponder a future for myself, it’s filled with uncertainty and extreme anxiety. How could I be a mother when I can barely make it to work every day? How could I be a mother when I am sometimes so filled with depression from living with these illnesses that I cannot make it out of bed? How could I be a mother when I feel like I can barely take care of myself? How could I write a book when I can’t even write a damn blog post every day?  I can hardly think about my life five months from now, let alone five years. Because when sick people think about the future, they really just think about more pain.

While other people are trying to get book deals or sell their scripts or become their own boss, I feel like I’m just trying to work 8 hours without having to leave and go home to get my heating pad. My illnesses hold me back in many ways, but when I feel like they hold me back the most is when I think about the future. My future.

Sometimes I see my life as a series of really bad pain days, with some good ones in between. The bad days start to blur together and before I know it, I’m 25 years old wondering what comes next. Wondering how I’m going to work my way up the corporate ladder if I have 25 more years of struggling to make it out of bed. Wondering how I’ll be able to maintain relationships if I still have this anger in my heart five years from now. And most of all, wondering how I’m going to fit it all in if I have to spend half my life in pain.

I’m not angry that other people are accomplishing wonderful things. I’m just angry that I feel like I can’t accomplish my dreams because I’m sick. And I’m angry because I know that isn’t true. I just wish I was capable of seeing that truth every day.

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6 responses to “Chronic Pain and The Future

  1. Another post that brings me to tears because it is so damn accurate to my life. As another 25 year only living in chronic pain with Endo, adeno, and pelvic floor dysfunction thank you so much Lara. I scramble to try to explain my life to others and your posts make it that much easier. ❤

  2. I’ve been feeling like this for 13 years since I was diagnosed with Endo. For almost tens years I buried the yearning for kids so well that when my husband and I finally decided to take that chance I freaked out. I never really liked kids, to begin with, and like you, I harbored anger and resentment. I hated watching my cousins get pregnant so easily, I didn’t even want to hold their babies because I knew that those feeling I buried might come up. I now have a one-year-old son and I know I am so lucky to have him. My endo has actually gotten worse since I had him (so much for pregnancy “curing” endo). I am considering getting a hysterectomy now because of the pain, so I have to start working on killing the dream for a second child. My career is pretty much stalled. I am always calling out sick and I know people talk. When I look for other jobs, I often stop myself from applying because of the fear that I won’t find another understand boss (my current one knows that I have pain issues and is very understanding). I feel like endo is dictating everything I do and I hate it.

    Thank you, Lara, for sharing your story and using the platform you have to bring attention to this disease. Your blog posts and Buzzfeed videos bring me to tears because I know the pain you are going through and it is also so inspiring to see someone talking about it. I really hope more doctors and medical professionals would see them so they could understand what we’re going through. I’ve had two doctors think I was a drug addict and withhold pain medication because they didn’t understand how I could be in so much pain when they found nothing on my ultrasounds. I wish you all the best. Keep up the good work and know that you are an inspiration.

  3. Hi Lara,

    All of your posts and Buzzfeed articles speak to me so much. I have had chronic illness for almost 10 years now, most recently Lupus, so I have so many of the same feelings and realities. I loved your video with boldly about your endometriosis and I think you should continue those videos are different types of chronic illnesses, to continue spreading awareness and hope around to people who suffer and live with it. Love what you do, keep being a light <3

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