Hi. I’m back. But like always, I didn’t actually go anywhere. Mostly I’ve just been avoiding my blog like most things in my life because I’ve been feeling stuck. More on that later.
SO, like anyone who has been around me in the past six months probably knows, I had a health setback last year when I developed a big ass cyst (that is the medical term) on my ovary. It camped out for MONTHS and caused me to bleed pretty much non-stop for four months straight. It also hurt like hell. And it caused me to drink some gross concoctions to try to get rid of it. The good news is; it’s gone. The bad news is; it’s gone because it burst! Actually that’s not bad news, it’s still good news, but when it burst it hurt like A HELL FILLED WITH VANILLA WAFERS and it felt like someone just told me that Hot Cheetos no longer existed. It was awful. But it’s gone now.
So, like any sane person, I decided that I did not want to have to go through another cyst on my ovary and went to talk to my gynecologist. Because of my endometriosis, I’ve pretty much been on non-stop birth control of some sort for the better part of 11 years now. And because 11 years is a long ass time, I’ve tried several different forms of contraception. Some of them were cool, some of them were not. Some of them made me lose my hair, some of them gave me migraines. But one thing I had never tried was an IUD. Now you might be thinking, “Um, Lara… You have Vagina Problems™. Why would you try an IUD?!?” And that would be a very valid thought. I also had that thought. My gynecologist, however, did not. She encouraged me to give it a try not only because it is a miracle drug for some women, but also because I didn’t really have a lot of other options if I wanted to go this route. SO I DECIDED TO GIVE IT A GO. AND GUESS WHAT. IT WAS FREAKING AWFUL. I don’t like writing about particular birth controls or medications on here because I know what it’s like to read other people’s horror stories about things online. But like seriously, this was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I’ll spare you the gory details….But after she tried and failed to insert this damn thing into my uterus, I laid on the exam table and bawled my eyes for 10 minutes straight. I’m talking snot pouring out of my nose, gasping for air, weird dinosaur-like sounds-coming-out-of-my mouth sobs. I was sad. I felt defeated. I felt hopeless. I felt alone. And I was in pain. I felt like I was back at Mayo Clinic being diagnosed and going through this ordeal all over again. I don’t blame my gynecologist at all, by the way, so before you get out your pitchforks just know that I am glad she encouraged me to try this… and I’m glad I convinced myself to try it. If I hadn’t, I always would have wondered.
In the weeks since I tried and failed to have something inserted into my uterus, I’ve been feeling stuck. (We’re finally back to that.) I feel stuck in almost every aspect of my life.
I don’t know how to help myself moving forward with my physical health. I don’t know how to help myself get out of this cloud of sadness. I don’t know what I want to do with my life or what goals I have for my future. I don’t know what I should be doing to get there. I don’t know if I should be doing anything. I don’t know if I’m ever doing the right thing. I don’t know how to know this. I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, basically. And it’s starting to stress me the hell out.
Sometimes I get so focused on what I’m not doing that I completely forget about what I am doing. And that’s unfortunate. I mean, yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. But who does?? (Please say no one. Please.)
I’m rambling at this point, but I’ve realized lately that I’ve neglected this blog and writing for myself in general because I’m scared. I put so much pressure on trying to figure out what my goals and hopes and dreams are that I felt like I couldn’t even move. But putting so much pressure on myself to figure something out only caused me to delay everything further.
I don’t know what the point of this… or of any other piece I write is for that matter. I just know that when I write them and share them with the world I feel more free and less weighed down. And that’s ultimately what matters.
They say that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but the part that they left out is that even when you feel like you’ve built a solid foundation, it can be knocked down. You just have to get back up, regroup, and start building again.
So here’s to my new foundation and building it piece by piece every day. It’s hard to see the shape of it in this stage. But when it’s all said and done, it will be a masterpiece. My masterpiece.