I’m Ovar-y This

Hi. It’s me. Lara.

I’m back with another ovary pun even though I technically didn’t go anywhere AND just paid $13 today to  keep this blog going. I’m really dedicated.

A few things:

  1. I moved! I now live in Los Feliz. If you don’t know what that is just imagine a street with your favorite pizza place of all time, and some trees, and that’s where I live! Here’s a picture thanks to Google maps. Screen Shot 2016-01-26 at 6.23.31 PM
  2.  It’s now officially been two years since I started working at BuzzFeed. Can you believe it? Me too.
  3. I accidentally left my oven mitt in the oven because, whatever, I thought it was a drawer, and started my first fire! Everything is fiiiiiiiine. I think.
  4. I was in a car accident. It was not my fault. No one was hurt… except my little car. :( Good news is, I don’t have to fix it myself. Bad news is, no one seems to care that I want it fixed by 9 p.m. PST today. I guesssss I’ll have to wait.  It’s still drivable but the valet guy today DEFINITELY judged me when he saw it.   car
  5. Anndddddddd… I went back to the doctor today and I do, in fact, still have a cyst hanging out on my ovary. I would make a joke about it paying rent, but I want to be remembered for more than that.

I had the appointment this morning in Beverly Hills. They say that you should always go to the doctor where rich people go to the doctor. And they = me. I really like my doctor because her office is across the street from a Real Housewives Star’s clothing store and next to a Real Housewives Star’s restaurant. Literally what more could I ask for?

Anyway, the little asshole is still there, but it’s shrunk about half a centimeter. My doctor seemed to think this was good news even though I was like “Are you telling me I’ve been drinking literal tar for over a month for it to shrink NOT EVEN A GDDAMN CENTIMETER?” It’s hard to tell if the shrinking is actually due to me drinking tar or if the cyst is just on a diet, but I guess I will continue to drink tar anyway, because what the hell.

The last month and a half or so have been really hard. It’s hard even typing this. I try very, very hard to remain positive about my situation and remind myself that it’s really not that bad. Because, realistically, it isn’t. It’s something I can handle. But the pain in the last month or so is my normal pain x10… and it’s constant. It’s been difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and difficult to remain positive about my future with these conditions. And I haven’t really been handling it. I’ve lost weight, I’ve lost sleep, and my immune system is basically telling me to kiss its ass.  I’m tired. I’m angry. But ultimately, I’m just sick. I’m so sick of being sick.

If I had to sum up dealing with chronic pain to anyone without it, I would say it’s like being religious in a way. It’s having faith in something, when there’s little to no evidence that this thing is actually real. In my case, it’s having faith that I won’t always have to live like this, or feel like this, even though history would suggest otherwise. But on days when my pain is awful, faith is all I’ve got to cling to, and I cling to it like it’s the last bite of an In-N-Out burger.

Everybody has bad days, but it seems like when you have chronic pain, there’s more bad than good. It’d be easy to focus on all the bad days, but it’s more rewarding and worthwhile to try and focus on the good. So that’s what I try to do.

I’m not going to end this post like I usually do by trying to see the positive in the situation… because I’m tired of doing that. I know there are positives and I know I can and will get through this.

But I also know that sometimes you just need to say how you really freaking feel; no filter, no bullshit. And so today, I leave you with how I really feel.

I feel tired. I feel angry. I feel helpless. I feel sad. I feel scared. And I feel sorry for myself. Tomorrow? I’ll probably feel the same.

But for myself, and for the millions of other people dealing with chronic pain, I’ll keep that hope. Even it’s just a little bit. Even if it’s barely nothing at all.

Because I know that no matter what, having a little hope is better than having none at all.

So here’s to hope… for you, for me, and for everyone in between.

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6 responses to “I’m Ovar-y This

  1. I encourage you to beat your health condition. .. never give up. .. make the “impossible” possible. .. nothings impossible if there’s a will there’s a way. .. The medical doctors say you can’t cure cancer. .. if you check out chrisbeatcancer on YouTube he healed his cancer naturally and now as his passion on YouTube found tons of others who have too healed there cancer. .. you and I and everyone else is powerful beyond measure… be careful your mind will come up with so many doubting lies don’t listen. .. I really feel for you… if people don’t follow a extreme lifestyle change with cancer they will literally die. .. if they do they will heal. … if you ate McDonald’s with cancer for example you will literally die. .. sickness is sickness health is health. .. a spider bit cancer hiv I believe are all just sickness right. .. give it health and it’ll become health. .take on the challenge. .. we are so powerful all of us humans. .. look at the rocket flying to the moon. .. air planes. .. hope I could help follow your heart :) you can do it

  2. I just got through reading ALL (yes all) of your posts and I can now say I have a major girl crush on you. I’m an avid buzzfeed follower and was extremely moved by your article (and everything else you write). It takes a lot of strength to be able to write about something very personal to you and I think it’s important to spread knowledge about possible chronic pain someone could be having even if they don’t ‘look sick’. Basically I just think you’re super brave and talented and we should probably be best friends. Keep posting, and keep being the badass you are!

  3. Hey Lara,
    I loved your video about the cramp relief device you tried. Since I have PCOS I know the struggle. What helps me is the Omron electroTHERAPY Pain Relief System I got from CVS but you can get at Walgreens etc. Since you can turn the setting up higher when you have more intense cramps it is a lifesaver!!! I hope that this helps with your chronic pain or you find something that works well for you.

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