Hello, it’s me.
Did you get my Adele reference just then? DID YOU???
Anyway, hello, it’s been a long time. I’m back! I didn’t actually go anywhere, but I did take some time to focus on writing this essay for BuzzFeed about how I’m in looooovveee and a lot more time to watch a lot of reality TV shows that my dad would definitely not approve of. It’s been great!
But since it has been approximately 84 years…
Let’s have a quick update.
- I still live in Los Angeles and I moved to a new neighborhood in October. But SURPRISE!!!! I’m moving again in January. What can I say… I hate unpacking.
- I still work at BuzzFeed but I was promoted to editor. It’s pretty cool.
- I’m 24 now but I always forget even though it’s been almost a year and sometimes I still tell people I’m 19 because I actually do not remember what year it is.
- I am dating someone, he’s great!
- I still hate komodo dragons.
- I can still move my ears.
- I went to Australia in August. It was so great that I forgot to write about it. But the main takeaway is that I kissed a quokka. See below.
It was bloody magical. Oh, I also started to say “bloody” again. It’s definitely a thing.
And as of this week, I have a large ovarian cyst on my left ovary. I haven’t seen it up close, just on the ultrasound screen, but I assume it’s filled with In-N-Out since I eat that a lot. I’d been having a lot of pain in the last couple of weeks. So much so that a major cloud cast itself over my life.
Anyone who lives with chronic pain knows how hard it can be to even get out of bed some days. But normally my pain is something I can manage. It’s the background of my life, not the main attraction. But this pain in the last 30 days has not been manageable and no amount of reality TV or burritos from Trader Joe’s has made it any easier. So I decided to make an appointment.
Because of my history with doctors not believing a word I say as if I’m a scientologist or something, I was pretty hesitant to even call. But I knew I needed to at least TRY and feel better. So I called. And I went, even though I wanted to cancel. And she did an ultrasound. And she found a large-ish cyst that’s camping out on my ovary even thought it DIDN’T EVEN ASK PERMISSION TO BE THERE.
She told me that we wouldn’t do anything about taking it out right now for a couple of reasons:
- It’s like, Christmas already.
- It might reduce in size if my body decides to cooperate with my life.
- And it could burst. Which like, PLEASE NO. But it could.
I have about 60 days before my next appointment and possible scheduling of a surgery. I’m not trying to have a surgery because, quite frankly, it sounds about as fun as burning my tongue 98 times in a row. So my mom and I did some research on the internet… it’s great you should try it out and visit laraeparker.com… and found a couple of holistic concoctions that are supposed to rid your body of cysts.
I went to the grocery store last night and after searching for approximately 7 months, I found all of the stuff.
If you can’t see that well because phones or whatever, the ingredients are as follows:
- Beet Juice (wtf)
- Aloe Vera Gel (wtf)
- ORGANIC (???) Blackstrap Molasses (wtf)
- ORGANIC/RAW/UNFILTERED Apple Cider Vinegar (wtf) (also who filters apple cider vinegar)
Once I got all of the ingredients I set out to make my special concoction just like Hermione Granger circa HP 6. The first drink is warm water (why) with a tablespoon (I guessed) of the molasses and a tablespoon (guessed again) of the vinegar. Then you stir it and drink TWO WHOLE GLASSES A DAY.
I’m not sure if you can imagine how this would taste but I’m here to tell you that it tastes horrible. I pretty much have no idea how I even swallowed it let alone how I’m going to force myself to do that again tomorrow.
This is what it looks like:
And this is what I looked like after drinking it:
The second “drink” is a half cup (I’ll guess) of beet juice mixed with one tablespoon of aloe vera gel and a tablespoon of blackstrap molasses. You’re supposed to drink it once daily (in the morning) before breakfast and it’s night time right now, so. CAN’T WAIT TO WAKE UP TOMORROW!!! YUM!!
All complaining aside, if this somehow gets rid of my cyst, I’ll (probably) never complain about it again.
I definitely didn’t want to hear that I had a cyst or that I was going to be in more pain because of it. I also didn’t want to hear that there’s a possibility of surgery and even more LADY PROBLEMS down the road. But for the first time in my life, I felt like something was wrong… I went to the doctor, she believed me, looked into it, and found out I was right. It was g-damn empowering.
Ultimately, I may never be able to have a bad pain day and remain positive about it. And I may never be completely free of these conditions as I so often hope. But I can confidently say that these things no longer destroy me. They no longer rule my life. They just rule some days. And as time goes on, those days will become less and less.
ps do you like my pun in the title??????? ok bye