Last night was the BuzzFeed holiday party. I procrastinated, as per usual, and didn’t buy a dress until moments before. But I FOUND ONE and it was holiday esque, and all was well. I decided I could be an independent woman and show up alone. So I did. The night, overall, was pretty damn epic. I had so much fun and it totally reaffirmed what I already knew; I love my job and my co-workers. A lot.
As the night wore on and the cranberry vodkas were being poured, I started to notice all the couples around me. I mean, right, it was a holiday party. And a lot of people in the world do, in fact, have a significant other.
But I don’t. And I guess on a night like last night, it became painfully evident. Even more so than usual. As I stood in the Roosevelt Hotel and looked around at all the fabulous couples, I couldn’t help but ponder my own relationship status, or rather lack thereof.
It’s not so much that I want to be in a relationship, although I wouldn’t mind it. It’s more that I just want to believe that a relationship is possible for me.
And, even after several months, I’m still not there yet. It’s hard to admit, but there you have it. I’m not there yet.
I came home alone and before I fell asleep, I lay awake looking out my window and wondered why it was so hard to believe in myself.
I believe in other people all the time. I have no problem envisioning happiness for any one of my friends or family. I don’t even have a problem envisioning happiness for most strangers.
But when it comes to myself, I have a block.
I know it’s probably naive to believe that one can just wake up one day and decide to love yourself… but that’s what I want to happen.
The thing is, it’s easy to love someone when they’re happy. It’s one of the easiest things in the world. When someone is happy, they exude happiness to all of those around them. When someone is happy, they show the best parts of themselves. When someone is happy, it’s hard to imagine them any other way. But it’s when someone is unhappy that things begin to get difficult. It’s hard to love someone when they’re unhappy. Sometimes, it’s nearly impossible. This is true for loving everyone, but it’s also true when loving yourself.
I mean, we’re human. We’re going to be unhappy. And when we’re unhappy, we might have a hard time remembering ourselves any other way.
And the truth is, I’ve been unhappy for a long time. It’s a journey, a process, an experience. But it is what it is. Unhappiness. Fear. Anxiety. Sadness. Loneliness. It’s there.
And although I make progress every single day, I have not yet defeated the dark clouds of unhappiness that cover up my sunshine.
It’s hard to love yourself when you aren’t happy. But it’s also when you need it the most.
Happiness is not a destination. For some, it’s a constant journey. Some days it will be like a walk in the park, and other days you will feel as if you are climbing Mt. Everest.
But when it becomes hardest to love someone, including yourself, is when you need to do it the most.
So while last night may have made me a little lonely, tonight is a new night. A new night with the person that is ultimately the most important: me.
And while this journey can be frustrating at times, I have to remember that at least I’m still going.
I’m still on this trek, and I don’t plan on giving up anytime soon.
There’s that famous saying that goes, “Don’t worry, be happy.”
But I say, don’t worry…you will be happy.
And when you aren’t feeling happy, love yourself anyway…and remember that you’re still on your journey.