I moved to California 143 days ago.
This move was the beginning of a new chapter of my life. I naively believed that this was the end all be all. It was my way out.
The sickness, the pain, and the disappointment of the last six months- it was finally time for it to end.
I left Indiana with open wounds ready to heal them in the California sun.
My body had failed me. And for that, I was unable to forgive myself.
I pushed it aside and focused on my desire for success. I worked hard, tried my best, and successfully landed my dream job. I was ecstatic. As I began my full time position, I fell into the groove. Weeks passed, yet I felt something missing.
I focused every part of my life on learning how to become more successful at my job. I was convinced that therein lied the answer to my woes. I wanted success so badly, I legitimately craved it. I think I might kind of understand pregnancy now.
But the thing was, I didn’t understand what I was truly searching for.
I thought that being good at my job was the answer to my desired success. But the only person doubting my abilities was ME.
On Friday night I came home and immediately started going over what I should have done better that week. I was incessantly picking apart every aspect of my performance and finding nothing but flaw after flaw. It was a Friday night and all I could freaking think about were my flaws. I mean, let’s be real, it’s not like I was planning on going out or anything. But I could have AT LEAST watched Netflix.
After about an hour of this, I decided it was time to search the Internet for inspiration.
I came across a quote from the late Maya Angelou. It said, “success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.”
Have I ever truly liked myself? Have I ever truly been proud of my accomplishments instead of highlighting my failures? Have I ever truly believed in myself?
I really don’t know.
It is so easy for me to point out the strengths in others. But it is nearly impossible for me to do it for myself.
The more I thought about this, the more downcast I became.
I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to be my own worst enemy. But I am. So many of us are.
I think it finally clicked that night.
I will never find my success if I don’t believe that I can.
My true success will come the day that I look in the mirror and like the person looking back at me.
And so will yours.