I Feel Trapped

I had this naïve thought sometime during college. I was pondering the future and I was so sure that I would discover my dreams. I counted on finding that job, that apartment, and the lifestyle that I had always envisioned. What I didn’t count on, however, was achieving all of these things and still feeling completely lost.

The truth is, I feel trapped in the day-to-day life. I look at everyone around me and they all seem so content. Yet when I think of myself… all I can discern is the daily struggle to make it past lunch without feeling dissatisfied.

I find myself always looking ahead because to imagine myself in the present for the next year or so frightens me.

I never thought I would end up at this place so early on. I never thought I would feel so adrift after spending four years trying to get to know myself.

Yet here I am…22 years old, living on my own, working full-time and feeling like I could suffocate at any minute from the heaviness of it all.

It’s hard for me to admit this to anyone, including myself, because the mere idea of my misery is shameful.

I should only be so lucky to have a wonderful job, a roof over my head, and a little extra spending money for the occasional purchase from Target.

But somehow I repeatedly find myself resorting back to that feeling; that feeling of entrapment. That feeling that I have no way out. That feeling that I am too scared to discover what I really want.

We all are. We’re too afraid to break through the barriers and discover our true passions because we’re not supposed to.

We’re supposed to settle for that mediocre job and lifestyle and not question it too much. Because questioning it too much leads to rash decisions and rash decisions leads to running away to foreign countries in an attempt to find ourselves.

I can’t get away from the idea that I’m wasting time. I can’t stop thinking that I’m wasting my life. But how we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

So I want to break through those barriers and discover what it is that makes me come alive. Because the world needs people that come alive.

It’s your place in the world; it’s your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live.

— Mae Jemison

4 responses to “I Feel Trapped

  1. I know it’s cliche to comment “this is so me”, but it really is. I have been going back and forth between “you should accept the way things are” and “you should follow your crazy one and a million dreams”. It’s not fun arguing with yourself because you win and lose.

  2. I found your blog after reading your wanderlust post on Thought Catalog (of which I also loved and strongly relate to) and just wanted to tell you I agreed with every sentiment in this post. I’m living a life that I didn’t picture myself living until I was much older (aka like mid-30s…I’m 23), and it freaks me out to think I might just give into the comfort of it. I’m also strongly considering making a rash decision to run away to a foreign country and find myself, so if you’ve got any leads on that let me know :P

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