I spent over a year of my life talking to him on some platform. We chatted about our day-to-day lives, our families, our friends, our hopes, and our dreams. We had this connection. A connection that carried across multiple states, various social media platforms, and several Skype sessions. I became infatuated with the person that he was. Or rather, the person that I thought he was.
We talked about such intimate things. We discussed our home lives. We discussed our childhoods. We talked about things that I had only ever discussed with serious boyfriends. I was an open book with him and yet each day we continued to speak.
I felt, deep down, that we were developing something strong. This type of connection was something so rare…I knew I had to hold onto it.
I had decided that I was committed on some sort of level the night I told him about my past relationships. We had finally broken down the one barrier I was dreading most of all. Yet there he was, open and listening…as caring as ever.
Then I left. I went away on a long trip and suddenly there was 14 hours of time difference and thousands of miles between us.
We continued to talk almost every day and I told him about my epiphanies about living outside of my home. I told him about how I wanted to live abroad, see the world, explore, and travel.
I think that’s what sparked the conversation. See, I had always thought we were on the same page. I couldn’t imagine the way he spoke to me, the hours he spent communicating with me, or the way we meshed so perfectly together when cuddling…could I?
I had never bothered talking to him about my feelings. I had never bothered to tell him that I saw us committing to each other on an exclusive basis. I never bothered to tell him that I was falling for him more and more each day and that no matter where I ended up…I wanted to end up with him.
And because I never bothered to tell him any of this or bothered to ask what he thought about us- I was left completely broken and stunned when he explained to me that he saw us as great friends and nothing more.
“The distance is just too much.” He said
“I don’t want to hold you back from your dreams.”
I was dazed. But in a way, I blame myself. Sure, maybe he led me on in some capacity. Maybe he should have told me that from the start- but I should have told him. I should have told him the minute I realized I had fallen for him. I should have told him that I cared about him in a way that I didn’t care about my other guy friends. And I should have told him that he gave me something to look forward to each morning.
But I didn’t.
Maybe if I had been honest things would be different. Maybe they would be the same. But I’ll never know because I never expressed myself.
Life is too damn short. If you care about someone, tell them. Tell them how you feel. Express yourself. Tell them that they have affected your life in a huge way and let them know how much you care.
It might not turn out how you had hoped but you won’t be left wondering.
In relationships it’s like you’re sharing a book—and it will never work if you aren’t on the same page.
Photo: Deviant Art