Things I Think About on an Airplane

  1. Can the people to my right see my peach fuzz in this sunlight? Should I close the window blind?
  2. What the hell? Why didn’t I get a milkshake before I boarded? God, it looks delicious. She didn’t even drink it all! Just threw it away without even offering it to me. Ugh.
  3. Oh damnit, I just missed the entire safety presentation. Hope this doesn’t go down.
  4. Did she say my seat was a flotation device?
  5. Where is this lady going with this ripped carry on bag? Why is it ripped? Did she drag it through the mountains on a hike? What’s she doing in Detroit? Can she tell I’m staring at her?
  6. I wonder how much experience the pilots have. What if they’re close to my age? I don’t trust myself to even do laundry some days.
  7. I wonder what he’s listening to. He seems like he’s into Tom Petty. Maybe Dave Matthews. Maybe Dredg.
  8. I can’t fall asleep because I’m in the middle seat and I don’t want to sleep on these people.
  9. Did anyone notice my head falling forward after I fell asleep?
  10. Is that turbulence or is the plane malfunctioning?!?!?!
  11.  I have to pee so badly but I refuse to enter that claustrophobic cube unless absolutely necessary.
  12. Okay. I peed. Now what? Should I press this button? OMG that was the toilet flushing?! Did I just put us all in danger?
  13. I no longer believe in the mile high club. Why would you want to do that? I’m getting motion sickness from walking.
  14. That kid has his entire head hogging the window. SHARE THE WEALTH, WINDOW SEAT SITTERS.
  15. When they ask me if I want peanuts, crackers, or cookies and I saw “all of the above,” will it work? (No.)

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If I take Dramamine will I still throw up? (Yes)

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