Not long ago I learned about my body. I learned about ways in which it functions…but mostly about the ways in which it does not.
Although it is true that I have absolutely no control over these conditions, it still casts a certain cloud over my outlook when I think about my future. But not when I think of just any part of my future… my future relationships.
Anytime these thoughts cross my mind I find myself thinking about the movie “Love & Other Drugs.”
In this movie the woman is very sick and although she puts on a front and tries to live a normal life…it isn’t always possible. She ends up breaking down one day to the man confessing that the relationship isn’t fair. She says “I’m gonna need you more than you need me.”
This has always stuck with me because that is exactly how I imagine my life to be. Truth be told, it’s extremely hard for me to even imagine dating someone because I feel as if I can’t provide the type of relationship that they deserve. Some days I just lie around, some days I’m happy, and well…some days I’m not. And although the rational part of me acknowledges that every human is not without baggage, I still find myself avoiding the thought of relationships all together.
But I know that if the tables were turned and I met someone that I cared about and they told me about conditions that they had…if they told me about these conditions that affected their life and possibly their ability to reproduce… I wouldn’t care. Sure, it would be something to have a conversation about. And sure, I would feel an extreme amount of sympathy for that person. But at the end of the day…all I would really feel was admiration. I would appreciate this person for being able to be so open to love after so many failed attempts. Maybe it’s because I’m in this situation. But maybe it’s not.
So if I can be so open to the idea of falling for someone with baggage, why couldn’t someone be open to that idea with me?
The problem is that I, along with so many others, tend to accept the love that I think I deserve. In my mind, I struggle to believe that I deserve the love and respect that others deserve because I’m broken. I’m like the runt of the litter that everyone looks over.
But that’s not true.
I deserve love and care just as much as anyone else in this world. We all do. But the love I deserve the most during this time…is my own.
“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”