It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when the problems started…when that little voice in my head began to relentlessly condemn me for everything I did. If I had to make the best educated guess I would imagine that the third time I was cheated on was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
Seems stupid doesn’t it? But being cheated on is a hard thing to process. It makes you question your self worth. Like, what is wrong with me? What does she have that I don’t? Is it because I talk too much? Am I too emotional? Did I say the wrong thing? Is it because I’m fat?
From that moment on it was as if I was oblivious to what was actually happening. I looked in the mirror and saw rolls of fat, a mediocre face, and someone that wasn’t good enough.
And that’s when my eating disorder started.
For years I have kept this a secret from basically everyone in my life because of the shame I have for allowing myself to do this to myself….to my body….and to my self-esteem.
But I refuse to let something like this define the person that I am. And I refuse to let something like this make me feel weak.
That’s the thing about eating disorders- it’s not a cry for attention. It’s not a sick joke that women and men play. It’s a serious mental disorder. It’s not something to joke about and it’s not something to be taken lightly.
Looking back on that time period of my life makes me cringe.
I was constantly abusing myself by not allowing my body to receive the proper nutrition. And I was constantly abusing myself by allowing myself to be my own worst enemy.
This went on for several months. It took a countless number of people telling me that they were concerned for me. And it took a photograph of myself in a bikini for me to realize what was happening.
It’s terrifying how we can look in the mirror and see such a warped version of ourselves that no one else can see. I am so, so grateful that I received the wakeup call that I needed at the time that I received it and I’m so appreciative that I had the support system that I had to help me through it.
And although it’s been a couple of years now and I’m not physically damaging my body anymore…sometimes I can still hear that voice. That voice telling me that I’m not good enough. That stupid freaking voice telling me that I don’t look fine the way I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly silence that voice but I can at least ignore it now.
Having an eating disorder isn’t stupid. It shouldn’t be embarrassing. It’s a serious issue but it’s crucial to realize there IS help out there and you are NOT alone.
I wish I could convince everyone in the world how truly beautiful they are. I wish they could see themselves the way that I see them.
Remember…someone will always be younger. Someone will always be prettier. Someone will always be smarter.
But they will never be you.