Things I Believed about College

  1. Boys actually become men. First of all, what does this even mean? How are high school senior boys expected to just magically mature and become someone worth spending time with over a span of 3 months? Ridiculous. Doesn’t happen. Boyz will be boyz.  Also what do you mean by MEN? Like, older? Or more mature? Or they have chest hair or something? Doesn’t matter that they are now in college. I think this might make it even worse. Oh coooooool, you drink alcohol. WHO DOESN’T WHEN THEY’RE IN COLLEGE? Well, I guess Lara Parker.
  2. I will have a sense of style. No. I always used to look at college girls in awe. They just seemed so put together. So effortlessly hip. THIS IS A LIE, MAGAZINES AND TV SHOWS EVERYWHERE. It’s a struggle to brush my hair some mornings. One time I went 3 weeks without shaving my legs. I know, that’s gross. But it’s REALITY. Still waiting for my fashion sense to come…and today is my last day of classes. So…where is it?
  3. I will enjoy drinking coffee. Uh. No. Coffee didn’t just magically stop tasting like vinegar and grass overnight. It still tastes terrible and I still can’t drink it. I don’t care how tired I am, I just kind of walk around falling over sidewalks and stuff and no matter how many times I run into things- still can’t enjoy coffee. Doesn’t happen.
  4. I will totally have a plan. Nope. Still no plan. Still no idea what the next 5 years will hold. Still no idea what I want to do with my life. Still trying to figure out who I am. Still trying to figure out math. Still trying to figure out why American Idol and Glee are things. Still spend more time on Pinterest than I could ever imagine spending on homework and studying.
  5. I will learn how to study. That was a cute joke that I had in my head in high school. I still struggle to study. Here’s a true story; when I was a sophomore in college I actually watched a YouTube video on how to take good notes and be successful when studying. While watching said video I got bored after 4 minutes. I couldn’t even study and take notes on a video of how to study and take notes.
  6. I will become some independent woman cooking meals and budgeting my finances. THIS IS A LIE. I lived in an apartment and in a single dorm with a kitchen for 3 years and I still don’t know how to cook. I mean, obviously this is completely my fault because I’ve never bothered to try after the one time that I caught my oven on fire. But going to college and living on your own doesn’t mean you magically learn how to cook. Also, it definitely doesn’t mean you learn how to budget. You know what makes you learn how to budget? Trying to buy a 12$ dress and getting your card declined. That makes you learn how to budget. Not college.
  7. I honestly thought that by the time I graduated college I would totally understand how taxes work. Why would I even think this is a thing that could happen? Looks like I’ll be finding someone to help me with my taxes for the rest of my life.
  8. I thought that being in college would make me start watching more MSNBC and CNN and less reality TV. Wrong. Sometimes I just really like to watch someone else’s life for a bit, okay? So sue me.
  9. I thought that by the end of college I would want to settle down somewhere in Indianapolis and begin my life as a future housewife. WHAT. THE. HELL. LARA.
  10. And finally, I thought that when the time came to graduate I would feel super ready and not scared at all and totally prepared for the real world. Nope. Pretty scared of the real world. The real world is a place where you have to pay back loans, you have to budget in order to survive, you have to pay lots of taxes, and you can’t just skip your 8 a.m. meeting because you stayed up too late watching Netflix.

So here’s to the last four years and all the things I thought would happen that didn’t…

Maybe by the time I’m 25.

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I would rather have gone to Hogwarts.

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