When someone close to you dies, everyone understands. People are there for you. People want to hug you, and give you that sympathetic look. They want to bake you cookies and they want to drop in just to say “hi.” They want to talk about how great this person was. They want to make sure you aren’t going to do anything stupid. They write you letters, they send you flowers…and they say things to you. Always the same things.
“She’s in a better place.” Alright. I still miss her though. Like a lot. And just because you believe that she’s in some magical place up in the sky- that doesn’t change the fact that I miss her.
“It’ll get better with time.” Exactly how much time are we talking? Because right now I’m pretty sure I will never smile again.
“It’s okay to be upset now but eventually you need to move on.” Um, thanks for the permission.
“You can still speak to her. She will hear.” I mean I doubt that. Because she’s dead.
This lasts for a couple of months and then it slowly stops. Suddenly, it’s 5 months after their death. You’re sitting in class and suddenly someone says something. You have the strongest urge to tell them about it. But you can’t. You begin crying and people stare at you.
“God, she’s crying AGAIN…”
“She just wants sympathy.”
Everyone else has moved on, so why haven’t you?
You haven’t forgotten. In fact, it seems it only gets worse with time. Every single day is a struggle. You go to sleep thinking of them, dream of them, then wake up with thoughts of them in your head. That dream seemed so real…you would give anything to speak to them again.
Then you have to force yourself to get up and go to school surrounded by things that remind you of that person. You have to fake a smile and pretend to be okay so that teachers and counselors will stop asking you if you want to hurt yourself. You have to find a way to move on, because no matter how much it feels like it- life hasn’t stopped. It won’t wait around for you. It doesn’t care. It will keep going, with or without you.
Your mind cannot comprehend the fact that this person…this person that meant so much to you…is suddenly gone. I mean gone. Forever. and you know deep down that you will never see them or speak to them again.
Death is incomprehensible. No matter how many times you think about it, or how many times it happens, it doesn’t make sense.
It’s been six years and I still think about her quite often. She was my best friend. I wake up every day and live my life. I don’t cry like I used to. I don’t have so much anger. I’m fine.
But there are still those times…
I see someone that looks like her and I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my body.
I visit her family…I see her eyes in her mother.
I see her bedroom…now an office. I open the drawer and see an orange toothbrush. I recognize that toothbrush. I kept it there because I stayed the night so often.
It’s been six years and I’m still not “over it.” I never truly will be.
But life keeps going, and so do I.