Even MORE Things That I Do Not Understand

People that ask me why it’s snowing. Uhh, do I look like a meteorologist? I have no bloody idea. It’s pretty though.

How someone could possibly go into Subway and not order AT LEAST one cookie. Subway cookies are THE cookies of cookies. The perfect amount of softness and tenderness that essentially melts onto my pallet and infuses my taste buds with sensations like peanut butter and chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin and macadamia nuts. Speaking of which, what’s the point of a macadamia nut if it isn’t in a cookie? There isn’t one.

Switch Side Debating. This is a thing where you have to argue against what you believe in, basically. Look ancient debaters and my professor, the whole reason I believe something in the first place is because I looked at both sides of an argument and decided that I agreed with one of the sides. So why are you making me do this? To “better understand” the other side? Oh, I understand it. And I still disagree. The end.

Ultrasound pictures. I’ve seen like 950 because of the invention of Facebook and I can never even tell there’s a baby in the picture. It pretty much just looks like a really, really bad drawing of a potato. I really just don’t understand where the baby is supposed to be. You could tell me that circle thing is a foot but it just looks like a smudge to me.

How people can draw. I try really, really hard to draw for my theatrical makeup class. It never works. I can’t even replicate my left ear to my right side. It doesn’t happen. I can’t even trace. It never looks right. I don’t understand how you artists do it. SHARE THE WEALTH, PEOPLE.

Image

That’s me. Being an artist. It’s really good, I know.

People that drink whole milk. Do you enjoy drinking yogurt? That’s essentially what whole milk is in my book. Also, it’s not even blueberry yogurt. It’s not even vanilla. It’s plain and bland and milky and creamy and thick and gross.

People that tell me that everything happens for a reason. Okay, cool. What’s the reason? Oh you don’t know? Okay.

Guys who throw weights while grunting in the weight room. Why are you doing that? That almost hit my foot. Do you think that’s attractive? You look and sound like a gorilla. I don’t want to date a gorilla. Please stop.

Why we spent an entire month in second grade learning cursive. I used it like one time the other day to sign my name and I would barely call that cursive because it’s more of a scribble. Cursive makes my hand hurt and when I’m writing in pencil I get smudges all over my palm. Not a fan.

People who drink a smoothie and call it a meal. Alright, to be fair, I understand that certain smoothies have like 89 vegetables and 57 fruits and all that jazz and they’re super healthy and stuff but like… that doesn’t satisfy me. It’s liquid. Where’s my bread at? Where’s the chocolate? The satisfying sound of my own chewing?

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