Things I Don’t Understand

There are several things in life I don’t understand.

  1. The poor high school kids that stand out by the highway dressed up like the statue of liberty or like a gold bar subjecting themselves to public humiliation in order to get paid minimum wage. DEAR BUSINESSES: This is essentially the worst marketing tactic I have ever witnessed in my entire 21 years and I’ve actually spent several class periods studying bad marketing tactics so… stop. This is probably making you lose money. It isn’t making people want to stop; it’s scaring them away. At this rate a billboard would be more effective and that’s not saying much.
  2. Those humongous birthday signs designed specifically to embarrass people, I think. I’d venture to say that 90% of the people driving by said sign have no freaking clue who Gus is or care that he’s turning 55. Why are you putting these up everywhere? Are you having a party? Are we invited?
  3. People that call me a nerd for basically being obsessed with Harry Potter AS IF that’s a bad thing. Like, thanks for the compliment. I like reading.
  4.  Why Roger Moore was in 7 James Bond films. WHY? The worst fake fighter I’ve ever seen.
  5. People that are upset about getting a year older. This is actually a privilege denied to millions of people every year soooo….. embrace that 64th birthday. You’re lucky to make it another year!
  6. Dentists that talk to you during the appointment. Look, I love my dentist. We are practically best friends. We have lots to talk about. But WHY does he insist on asking me questions only when his hands are all up on my teeth? He is basically forcing me to slobber all over him and that’s not enjoyable for either party.
  7. People who run 26 miles. I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. I totally respect you and envy you (not really) and everything but I actually don’t think I could ever do that. Or that I would ever want to do that. More power to all you marathon runners, but please stop training outside my window while I have my arm elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
  8. Taxes. Alright, so I understand the basic concept and everything but one time I tried to imagine if I were to actually sit down and figure my own taxes without any outside help and I think I had a mild panic attack. I just seriously don’t understand it and I want to hug all accountants.
  9. GIRLS. I mean, I know I am one and everything but I just don’t understand girls. Why do we hate each other so much? Why are we so mean? Why do we eat ice cubes for breakfast? (Just kidding but seriously) When you see another girl and she’s totally fit and looks amazing instead of instantly being all “OMG I HATE HER” we should instead be all “OMG she’s gorg, GIRL POWER!”
  10. Oatmeal. Do people actually enjoy eating oatmeal? If you’re saying yes, I just don’t believe you. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried it with blueberries, apples, apple cinnamon, pears, brown sugar… NOTHING. I still despise it.

ImageI held a baby today and kind of enjoyed it. The end.

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